How I freed myself from depression

When I came to America in 6th grade I started to crave attention. That leads me to be obsessed with becoming popular. I would try out for sports that popular girls did, yet as an awkward Russian, with my exquisite broken English who struggled with small talk, it was a little more hard to achieve popularity. Or should I say impossible?

My inability to communicate left me with no friends and a severe depression that followed me from 6th to 7th grade.

I thought everything would change when I moved to a new school in 8th grade. I thought I would finally have a chance to become popular. And for a month my dreams came true. But because I was so careful not to slip up and become a punching bag for popular kids I ended up sitting silently at lunch for the whole year. Honestly, it was a torture and I hated it, but I wasn’t ready to give up.

Then summer finally came. I didn’t have any super close friends and was too awkward and afraid to ask somebody to hang out. So the summer of 2018 started out a bit lonely. Yet when I went to a camp with my news writing class for a week. And I can without a doubt say that it was the greatest experience of my life. I was being my crazy Russian self and I was being accepted. I didn’t care about how popular I was or how many followers I had. I was just free.

After a taste of that freedom, that wave of acceptance, I continued my summer with a single goal of being myself. I went to a marching band camp and I was such a great experience, not only because I love guard, but also because I was once again accepted by the people there.

And now the 9th grade has started. I keep to my goal of being myself and not caring about what other people think. And I have friends; I have fun; I can do whatever I want; wear whatever I want; talk to whoever I want. I am truly free and it is so wonderful. I don’t have to hide anymore because people fall in love or even just talk to you not because you are so great, but because they decided to do so. I can’t control people, so I might as well have fun while I’m here.

My days are so far filled with smiles and nice talks, and I know that it can change, but for now, I am enjoying the shit out my life and I love it. I find myself smiling at nothing just because I am finally happy. This feeling is so new but yet I love it so much already.

Because I was in a neverending struggle with depression and there were nights where I wasn’t sure if I would make it till the morning, but now I think that I am finally free form that. Nothing is holding me down anymore and I can just be myself and be happy.

So if I ever need to pick a quote or an advice I would say be yourself. No matter how weird, dumb or irrelevant you think you are, be that. You will be happy and the people will come with time.

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