A final goodbye to a handy hello?

UNINTENDED consequences are not necessarily bad. The Covid-19 pandemic has prompted several hitherto grubby people to improve their personal hygiene and I, for one, am hoping their newfound cleanliness is here to stay.

I freely admit to being obsessive about such matters — the intended consequence of which, I maintain, is that I am rarely ill. Long before the coronavirus, I was already turning door handles with the sole of my shoe in environments that didn’t quite meet my standards.

Clearly I don’t want to be defined by this compulsion, despite a speech about me many years ago by a friend who reached for the first thing that came into his head. Summing me up, he said I was “very clean: clean shaven, clean cut and clean living — not your typical tabloid journalist.”

Laugh at me by all means, but that same friend is now evangelical about not shaking hands with anyone ever again, lest he become infected — if not with Covid-19, then with something else. He’s not the only one. The road to Damascus has become congested over this issue in recent days and perhaps signals the end of this arguably redundant custom, which started centuries ago to ensure men didn’t reach for their swords.

Is it a sad ending for the handshake? I have mixed feelings. There is already a woeful lack of friendliness around and, even in these times of physical restraint, touching someone in a socially acceptable way, even at the first meeting is, well, friendly.

A longstanding client of mine always offers (or offered) his hand almost palm-up. A curious gesture at first, but a very warm and open one. An important man in business, he was personally inviting you into his circle. This was the essence of the modern handshake, initiating a limited form of intimacy and allowing a temporary invasion of personal space.

Of course, it has sometimes turned into an unpleasant experience. I don’t just mean being on the receiving end of clammy hands or a limp grip; having your bones crushed by an overgrown jock type wanting to show off is just as bad. Many a time has my right hand been treated to this idiotic ‘vice greeting’, while my left hand has itched to deploy its not-too-shabby jab.

Conversely, on many occasions in recent times a handshake hasn’t been enough, with colleagues, business associates and just about everybody affording themselves a hug with those they actually like, particularly if they haven’t seen them for a while. Ironic, then, that we’re now going backwards and our comfort zone for salutation is shrinking.

The Queen has been very quick to act. Having probably shaken more hands than anyone else on the planet, she has now taken to wearing gloves when handing out gongs at investitures. So what about the person who has to take those gloves away for cleaning? Do they, in turn, have to wear gloves? Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Other senior (male) British royals may mourn the death of the handshake, until now possibly their primary mode of physical expression towards even their closest loved ones. They will be relieved that hugs pose even greater health risks these days. Even a pat on the back isn’t safe. A well-intentioned nod should discharge all familial obligations of affection.

So what’s next in the evolution of personal greetings? Etiquette pundits are already forecasting all manner of new hand and head movements, from new arms-outstretched affairs to modified waves. The possibilities are endless — perhaps in the brave new world post-Covid 19, Britain will find itself at the forefront of body gesture development.

The answer may be more simple. My client, Mr Palm Up, is also a great smiler. It’s friendly, hygienic and effective. You never know, it might become a thing.

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